Reparenting Oneself: Healing from Childhood Trauma
Woman Reparenting herself with the help of Therapy. Rancho Cuamonga Therapy. EMDR Therapist California. Anxiety Therapist CA.
What Does It Mean to Reparent Yourself?
At some point on the journey of self-discovery and healing, many individuals are introduced to the concept of “reparenting oneself.” This phrase describes the process of nurturing, supporting, and guiding yourself in the ways you may not have received during childhood. Rooted in the principles of inner child work and attachment theory, reparenting is a cornerstone of many therapeutic approaches, offering the promise of emotional maturity, self-acceptance, and lasting change. This kind of work is essential when healing childhood trauma. As an trauma therapist I often teach adults how to do this in therapy. But what does reparenting actually look like? Why might someone need to reparent themselves, and how can therapy help facilitate this deeply transformative experience?
The Wounds We Carry: Understanding the Need for Reparenting
No childhood is perfect. Even in loving families, caregivers are limited by their own experiences, unresolved trauma circumstances, and resources. For some, childhood may have been marked by explicit neglect, abuse, or trauma. For others, wounds are woven subtly into the fabric of daily life: a parent who is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or unable to mirror the child’s feelings and needs.
These early experiences lay the groundwork for our beliefs about ourselves and the world. In EMDR therapy we often process these “negative thoughts “ or beliefs about oneself of the world. The child who feels unseen may become an adult who fears rejection and isolates. This person as an adult may struggle with healthy romantic relationships or even close friends. These fear or rejected that may have started early in life can be carried through adulthood. The child who is not comforted may struggle with self-soothing or trusting others. Over time, these wounds—sometimes described as “attachment injuries”—can manifest in anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, perfectionism, or self-sabotage. We can also see symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) if significant trauma was experienced.
Reparenting can be part of the healing a person does in therapy. It is a practice of learning to give yourself the validation, structure, discipline, and unconditional love you might not have received in childhood. When working with Latinx adults we often discuss the struggles of having to reparent one-self, especially when Latinx parents cannot accept that their parenting may have caused harm. Healing is possible for the person in therapy even when these Latinx parents have not done their own healing.
The Role of Therapy in Reparenting
Therapy provides the ideal environment for reparenting for an adult that wants to begin practicing reparenting skills and flourish. A therapist can be a compassionate witness and, sometimes, a surrogate caregiver, modeling the attunement and support that may have been missing. Over time, clients internalize these experiences, learning to relate to themselves in new, healing ways.
· Modeling Healthy Boundaries: Through the therapeutic relationship, clients experience what it means to have their boundaries respected and learn how to establish healthy limits in their own lives. For many people with traumatic childhoods being in healthy therapeutic relationship may be challenging but a safe place to learn to manage healthy boundaries.
· Emotional Validation: Therapists help clients name and honor their feelings, teaching them that all emotions are valid and worthy of attention. This is a crucial skill in reparenting as this was often missing in people’s childhood. Learning to validate one’s own feelings is a huge step in healing and unconditional love towards oneself.
· Practical Skills: Therapy offers tools for self-regulation, emotion management, and problem-solving—skills that may not have been taught during childhood. At times parents do not have their own coping skills to teach their children and this lack of coping skills can affect management on emotions in adulthood. In therapy you can learn skills to better manage emotions and improve regulation. It is never too late to learn this critical skills.
· Unconditional Positive Regard: A therapist’s nonjudgmental stance helps clients learn to treat themselves with kindness and compassion, even in moments of struggle. Modeling positive regard is part of the therapeutic relationship and can help an adult increase self-validation.
What Reparenting Looks Like in Practice
Reparenting is not a one-time event but a daily practice that takes time. It is both an attitude and a set of actions. Here are some key elements:
1. Self-Compassion and Affirmation
At its core, reparenting requires adopting a gentle, nurturing attitude toward your own struggles and mistakes. This may involve speaking to yourself as you would to a beloved child—offering encouragement, understanding, and forgiveness. For example, instead of berating yourself for feeling anxious or making a mistake, you might say, “It’s okay to feel this way. You’re safe. I’m here for you.”
2. Setting Boundaries
Children rely on caregivers to protect them from harm and to establish safe limits. As adults, reparenting means learning to recognize and assert your own boundaries, choosing relationships and environments that honor your needs and values.
3. Meeting Your Needs
Many adults struggle to identify or prioritize their own needs, often because they were ignored or minimized in childhood. Reparenting invites you to check in with yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually—and to respond with care. This might mean making sure you eat nourishing meals, honoring your need for rest, or seeking comfort during difficult times.
4. Cultivating Emotional Regulation
Children learn how to manage big feelings through the soothing presence of caregivers. If that was missing, adults may feel overwhelmed by their emotions. Therapy can teach grounding practices and self-soothing techniques—such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or creative expression—that help foster emotional resilience.
5. Play, Joy, and Curiosity
Reparenting isn’t only about tending to wounds; it’s also about inviting joy and delight into your life. This may involve giving yourself permission to play, explore, and pursue activities that nourish your inner child. Creative hobbies, spontaneous adventures, and laughter are all important aspects of self-care.
Challenges and Misconceptions
Reparenting is a profound but sometimes challenging process. Old habits are hard to break, and it can feel awkward or even silly at first to speak kindly to yourself or visualize your inner child. Some may worry that reparenting is about blaming their parents, but the focus is on healing—not assigning guilt.
There is also the myth that reparenting “fixes” everything overnight. Latinx families may have a hard time accepting that someone wants to reparent themselves. I have often seen in therapy that parents tend to “blame themselves or dismiss” the adult child’s need for this kind of work. It is important to remember that each family member has their own unique journey and experiences. They may not completely understand or agree with reparenting oneself. However, there comes a point in our adult life that we have to make the best decisions despite what your familia may say. The process of reparenting is gradual, marked by setbacks and breakthroughs. Over time, however, the benefits become evident: increased self-esteem, healthier relationships, and a deeper sense of peace.
Practical Steps: How to Begin Reparenting Yourself
If you’re interested in embarking on this journey, here are a few steps to help you get started:
· Work with a Therapist: Find a mental health professional experienced in inner child work or attachment-based therapy. They can guide you, offer tools, and provide a safe space for exploration.
· Connect with Your Inner Child: Spend time imagining or journaling about your younger self. What did they need? What brought them comfort? Listen with compassion.
· Practice Self-Care: Make small, consistent choices that prioritize your well-being. This might be creating a bedtime routine, eating regular meals, or engaging in activities that spark joy.
· Develop an Inner Dialogue: Notice your self-talk. When you catch yourself being harsh or critical, pause and ask: “What would a loving caregiver say right now?” Practice speaking those words to yourself.
· Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to situations or people that drain your energy or compromise your values. Remember, protecting yourself is an act of self-love.
· Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge your growth, however small. Reparenting is a lifelong practice, and every step forward is worth celebrating.
Embracing the Parent Within
Reparenting oneself in therapy is one of the bravest acts of self-love. It means choosing to become the parent you needed, offering yourself the safety, care, and encouragement essential for healing. While the journey is not always easy, the rewards—a sense of wholeness, self-acceptance, and the freedom to live authentically—are immeasurable.
If you find yourself struggling with the echoes of your past, know that you have the power to nurture, guide, and love yourself into a brighter future. Therapy can be a beautiful companion on this path, helping you awaken the gentle, wise parent within. We are here to help you with your reparenting journey. Contact us here or info@pattymunoztherapy.com We offer a free 15-minute consultation (909) 206-4613. We offer in person therapy in Rancho Cucamonga, CA and virtual therapy throughout California. In time, you may discover that the love you’ve been searching for has always been inside you, waiting to be found.
